Report: Auzins trades for players already on team

Manhattan, New York (from AP wire reports) - The New York Rangers made EHE history today with a historic "self-trade" that sees star center Mika Zibanejad and winger Chris Kreider being dealt to the team they're already on in exchange for top defender John Carlson and center Nicklas Backstrom, who are also fellow Rangers.

Reports indicate that future considerations were also a part of the deal, but Rangers GM Martin Auzins was coy when asked by reporters what precisely he was up to with this move.

"I was really interested in (Carlson and Backstrom), so to be able to trade guys to myself and keep a hold on top talent like this, it just made too much sense. I couldn't turn myself down," said Auzins.

The historic trade comes on the heels of an earlier report that indicated Auzins was trying to trade the team mascot to Chicago for a fifth-round draft pick, until he was told the Rangers have no mascot. Auzins settled on a deal that will see 'Sonar the Wolf', the Rangers' AHL-affiliated Hartford Wolf Pack mascot, head to the San Jose Sharks for three actual sharks.

"I had just traded six of our bathroom stalls to the Barclays Center for front row seats to the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony in April, and then flipped the tickets to Kevin Lacy along with airfare to and from the event for six uninterrupted weeks of him not posting selfies on his Instagram," said Auzins. "So I was coming into these negotiations with myself on quite a high."

Before Auzins even made it to his swanky offices at Madison Square Garden this morning, the Rangers GM managed to acquire a new 50-foot long conference table from the Phillip Morris headquarters down the street in exchange for his lead receptionist. Packing up her meager belongings and rushing out the door, the receptionist was quoted as saying that while she was disappointed in the move, "it was a hell of a conference table. I'll have to endure constant cigarette smells and people blowing smoke at my face all day, but I don't even think I could have turned that one down."

Counting all non-roster transactions, Auzins has made 43,281 trades this season, down from his career high mark of 57,298 deals at this time last year. When asked if he thought he could make up the ground in the time remaining before the trade deadline, he ignored the question and proceeded to trade this reporter a box of kleenex and nose-bleed seats to the next Rangers home game for my black suit jacket.

"That jacket fits really well," said Auzins, who then proceeded to call fellow EHE general manager Shaun Stephens and offered him the jacket for center Jeff Carter. "I'll wear Shaun down eventually. For now, I need to swap my date for tonight for future considerations, if you catch my meaning."

When asked what this afternoon's trade meant to him, Kreider didn't mince words. "It hurts, obviously, to be leaving such a great team and a great city. But I'm turning right around and coming back to the same team and the same city, so it's an exciting opportunity.

"I'd like to thank Mr. Auzins for being so good to me, and I look forward to seeing my new GM, Mr. Auzins, again when I get to my new home. Which is here. Isn't our GM a genius?"

As this reporter was leaving MSG, Auzins texted me letting me know he'd just made 23 transactions in the time it took me to take the elevator from his office to the ground floor. One of the deals involved the floor itself, which will be heading to PPG Paints Arena in Pittsburgh along with cash considerations for the dome enclosure from the old Igloo.

"Been after that Igloo dome for weeks now. That's never moving now. Mine for good! Oh snap...got offered the original bar stools from the set of 'Cheers'. Bye bye, dome! LOL," read the rest of the text.

(Associated Press)